My Beautiful Failure
by Passionate Cec
Summary: He remembered the despair on Frasier's face and the unshed tears in her eyes when she told him the time had come to make a decision. Warning : Character death.


Hi there.

This is a quite dark fic which I wrote yesterday. My first warning will be : character death. My second warning : I cried while writing. Several times. It usually never happens. And a friend who read this cried too.

It's not the kind of fics I usually write and I was suprised by how strong its pull was. I couldn't write anything else until this was finished. And it turned out very well in my opinion.

I hope you will like it and please, don't kill me after reading this. :)

Stargate SG-1 and its characters don't belong to me. I make no money with this story. Its sole purpose is entertainment. No copyright infringement intended.

Let me know what you thought about this. Reviews make my day and always make me very happy. :D

Enjoy. :)

**My Beautiful Failure**

Jack kissed Sam's limp hand, his lips remaining pressed against her far too cold skin. He wiped away a tear, trying to hold back his sorrow. He remembered the despair on Frasier's face and the unshed tears in her eyes when she told him the time had come to make a decision. He was the one who had to make that decision and he had nodded at her, knowing that he would understand it without needing to speak the words. 'Just give me some time alone with her.' He had whispered and Janet had nodded.

He stood up and leaned over the bed to kiss her forehead, sitting down on the side of the bed, his forehead resting against hers. Oh how he wanted to kiss her soft and tender lips. But he couldn't. Her lips had been unattainable territory for several days now and it was when they had first slipped the tube down her throat, attaching her to the respirator that he had known for sure how close the end was. Not that he hadn't known until then. He had just tried to ignore it with all his might.

In fact, they had had a lot of time to prepare for what was to come. Five years. Five years since they had stepped on that god forsaken planet which had changed everything.

When they had first arrived through the stargate, everything had been fine. Fifty two degrees, clouds but no rain, just a wisp of wind, trees, birds, the occasional forest bug or rodent, wet leaves on the ground indicating it had rained recently and trees. They had started walking through the forest, the slightly morose atmosphere making for a heavy silence. That night, after they had set up camp and had their meager dinner, he had found Carter leaning heavily against a tree, sick and retching. He had watched her from afar, knowing that joining her would only embarrass her further. She had stumbled back to camp, dropping to the ground, head between her knees and he had briefly thought she was going to be sick again. But she hadn't.

Her breathing had been shallow and obviously painful and Jack had walked over, slightly panicky, hoping against hope she hadn't caught some kind of a disease on the planet that would affect them all. The effect close up had been even worse. He had seen how much she struggled for a breath. Her skin had been pale and clammy, her cheeks red with fever. He had settled a hand on her back and she had sat up straighter, wincing, one hand settling on her lower back.

'Carter?'

'I don't know, sir.' She had answered, pain and fear obvious in her voice and on her face. 'It came all of a sudden.' Her voice had been broken and she had talked slowly as she struggled for every breath, almost stopping between every word.

'What's wrong?'

'Everything. I can't breathe well, I feel sick, my heart's racing, I think I have a pretty high fever, my whole body is shaking and I think I'm going to pass out soon.'

His eyebrows had shot up and he had lifted a hand to her neck, his fingers on her pulse point. Her skin had been burning and her heart had indeed been racing. He had briefly seen the violent tremor in her hands move to her to the rest of her body before she had sagged against him, her eyes rolling to the back of her head. But not before he had seen that the whites of her eyes had been slightly yellowed. He had yelled to Daniel and Teal'c that they should wake up and that they were going back right then and there. They hadn't argued long when they had seen Carter's unconscious body in his arms.

When they had stepped back through the gate, the Major had still been unconscious and her condition only seemed to have worsened. For a while, despite her being in Frasier's care they had worried about her not making it. They had not been infected and she had recovered. A week after she had left the infirmary after her three weeks stay, the doctor had scheduled a few check up tests as she had no idea what had caused Carter to be sick and wanted to make sure she was truly fine. And to her surprise, she had found that Carter's vital functions had lowered just a bit. It had been barely noticeable and she wouldn't have worried about it had it not been what had characterized Sam's sickness. So she had decided that she would schedule another test. And, that time again, Carter's vital had lowered. Three more tests had confirmed what they had feared – Sam's body was excruciatingly slowly failing.

Sam hadn't noticed the difference and had Janet not made her take the tests she would not have noticed. The doctor had then proceeded to schedule any test she could come up with to discover what made the Major sick and what made her organs fail. She had been utterly confused by the fact that, whatever it had been, it had targeted every single one of Sam's vital organs – safe for her brain. After numbers of unsuccessful tests, Janet had given up on finding the cause of Sam's disease, hoping she would still be able to find a cure without it.

By then, Sam had started showing some symptoms. Nothing anyone would have thought twice about had they happened under normal conditions. But they hadn't been normal conditions and the first time Carter had passed out because of low blood pressure due to a much too slow heart rate, Jack had decided that he would make it his personal crusade to find a cure to save her. The illness had come from off world so there had to be a cure off world. Sam had been medically discharged and as her condition slowly deteriorated, their hope of finding a cure had dimed. None of their allies had been able to do anything for her and their search had been fruitless.

Until three years later, as Sam was asked not to leave the base anymore for her condition had deteriorated too much. As she had rested in her bed that night, oxygen being pushed down her throat and into her lungs, Jack settled behind her and holding her against his chest, Teal'c and Daniel sitting on chairs in front of her, she had ordered them to stop. She had told them she wanted them to stop living for her and to start living for themselves again. That she still had quite some time to live and that she didn't want to die, thinking that the three people she loved the most had spent years of their lives doing nothing but trying to save her only to fail because nobody knew what had actually happened to her.

Jack's eyes closed tighter as he thought about that night again. He toed of his shoes and moved until he was lying next to her on the bed. He was careful not to disrupt any of the numerous cables and tubes that linked his beautiful Sam to the machines keeping her alive. He knew the nurse wouldn't like his lying on the bed but he didn't care. It would be over way too soon and she would have nothing to complain about anymore. And if she did, he knew Frasier would defend him. She understood how much he needed to hold her and be close to her in these last moments before the end.

He pushed his face against the side of her neck, touching her soft skin, breathing in her sweet scent which had, a long time ago, been combined with the sterile smell of hospitals. His arm carefully circled Sam's waist and, as usual, he couldn't help but think about all the weight she had lost, how skinny she was while she had once been all about beautiful curves and soft body. She had literally been wasting away and he knew that, if the disease hadn't taken her, the loss of weight it caused would have.

His mind wandered back to the night she had ordered them to stop searching for a cure

They had argued against her demand. Jack had been the one to resist the most and once Daniel and Teal'c had agreed, she had quietly asked them to give them some time. She had cut off her oxygen supply and had pulled the tube out of her nostrils, turning in his arms and straddling his lap, her hands on his shoulders as his settled on her hips.

'Jack, when we're together, I don't want you to think about not finding a cure. I want you to think about us. I love you and if I am to die, I want the moments with you to be the best moments in my life.' She had quietly said, looking straight at him.

'Then marry me.'

He had blurted it out before he could even think. He had been as surprised as her as marriage had never been part of his plans since they had gotten together. He had been way too focused on trying to save her and if he had thought about it a time or two, he had pushed the idea away quickly, deciding that they would have all the time in the world to get married once she was healthy again. They had both remained silent for a second, staring at each other, mouth gaping open, eyes wide in shock.

'Yes.' She had whispered, a bright smile widening on her face. He had just been about to apologize and he once again, stared at her in shock.

'What?'

'Yes, I will marry you.' Her smiled had brightened some more on her face and Jack had been positive it was the happiest he had seen her since she got sick. He had then realized it was the happiest he had ever seen her.

'Really? God, Sam, I didn't mean to ask that.' She had quirked one eyebrow.

'So you don't want me to marry you?'

'What?' He had pointed a finger at her and glared. 'Smartass. You know that's not what I meant. Nothing in the whole wide world would make me happier.' He had stopped and frowned for a second. 'Well okay, maybe finding a cure for you would make me happier but this is a very, very, very close second.' Sam had leaned forward and pressed her lips to his, still smiling.

'Yes, Jack O'Neill, I will marry you. If I could I would take you up and out of this mountain and we would hitch a ride to Vegas and get married right now.'

'Who says we can't?'

'Janet.'

'Right.'

'Besides, it's not really what I want. But I do want to marry you as soon as possible.'

'Would you like an engagement ring first?'

'That's an idea. You should buy wedding bands at the same time.' Jack had simply chuckled against her lips.

Their lovemaking that night had been slow and sweet, the way it usually was between them. Sam's deteriorating condition had not allowed fast and hard. The following morning, Janet had berated Sam for not using the oxygen and even seeming more out of breath than she usually was after a night without oxygen. But when Sam had explained why she hadn't used it, Janet had been more than forgiving and, according to Sam, might even have squealed in delight. But it had all been Sam's account so he could not guarantee the veracity of the facts.

The hand on her waist moved to her left hand and he gently grabbed it, his thumb playing with the wedding band and engagement ring she was still wearing. They had gotten married just three weeks after he had asked her, just enough time to gather the important people they wanted there and prepare everything they needed. It had been a small and simple ceremony. But there had been Sam and cake. So he had been happy. Even more so when she had been perfectly fine for the whole day, making everyone almost forget that something was destroying her body. She hadn't been as pale as she usually was, her cheeks tinged a healthy pink which he had always loved to see when they made love. Her smiled had been brighter than ever and it had been brighter than the sun that had been shining brightly that day.

Jack's eyes closed again, holding back tears as he remembered the two years following. They had been married for two years, four months and eighteen days and they had without contest been the happiest in his life. Certainly, Sam's health hadn't stopped degrading and they had spent much more time at the base and specifically at the infirmary than at home but they had been good together and the moments he had spent with her had been filled with joy and happiness.

He suspected General Hammond had arranged for SG1's missions to be easy ones, certainly not as difficult and dangerous as the ones they used to have with Carter. It had been especially noticeable as Sam's health had become so bad that Janet had to order Sam to stay in the infirmary, first for the night and then on permanent basis. She had ended up in the infirmary at least once a day anyway. So he had rolled a second bed into her private room and had pushed it has close to hers as he could. He had spent all his free time sitting on one of the beds in the room, on his when he was writing a report or when she was resting, on hers when they were talking quietly, watching a movie or simply holding each other. He had even slept in the room with her, sometimes on her bed, holding her, sometimes on his, watching her sleep before he could doze off too. He had seen less of his house in six months than in one week when they had still been the SG1 the whole universe had feared.

And the end had finally come. The day they had all dreaded for over five years. For the past sixteen days, she had been in a coma, every single one of her vital organs finally failing completely. He suspected most of them were completely useless by now and that the only thing keeping her alive were the machines. He knew they were the only thing keeping her alive and he was the one who had to say the word, to tell them when they would pull the plug, when they would cut off the live support and end her life for good.

He knew it was for the best. His Sam wasn't coming back, no matter how long he pushed off the inevitable. She had been in a world of pain in the last few months, her whole body hurting as even the single breath gave her trouble. She had spent more time sleeping because of the pain killers they gave her and when even that hadn't worked Janet had decided it would be best for her to be put in an artificial coma. Sam's eyes had been filled with fear when she had looked at him as their friend told them but she had nodded, tears filling her eyes and rolling down her cheeks, her gaze pleading, her hand tightening around his as she whispered a heartbreaking 'please.'

He had breathed in several times, knowing that they were coming close to the end. He had left, going in search of General Hammond, Daniel and Teal'c. The second they had seen his face, they had known what had been happening. They had all known the time was coming and they would soon have to say their goodbyes. Five years after she had contracted whatever disease made her ill, her body was finally giving up. Janet had told them several times that it was more than a year longer than she had expected.

When he had come back after the General, Teal'c and Daniel had left, teary eyed and obviously devastated, he had sat down in his usual spot on her bed, his hand slipping into hers. Sam had weakly tugged at it and he had looked at her.

'I love you, Jack.' She had whispered. 'I love you so much. I don't ever want you to forget that. I don't think I could have done this without you and you are the one who made this bearable. Despite this, I have never been as happy as in these past years, especially since becoming your wife. And as your wife, I want you to be happy, Jack. I want you to find a woman who will make you happy, I want you to go to the cabin with the guys and fish, watch the Simpsons, play hockey, drink beer, eat your absolutely disgusting burnt steaks.'

He had chuckled at that, unable to hold back the tears that had been threatening to fall, he squeezed her hand gently.

'And prepare your O'Neill Special Omelet which isn't actually all that bad. And I know the secret ingredient is beer. I want you to go to Cubs games. Jack O'Neill, I want you to do everything we did in the past years. And I especially don't want you to mourn and grieve for months like I know you will. Please. If you don't do this for yourself, then do this for me. As my last wish I want you to be happy. Actually, scratch that. That's my second to last will. My last will is that you take my Indian which I know you have been oggling at since you first saw it. I want you to take my Indian and take it on a road trip. Take it somewhere you love more than anywhere else in the world. And that is where you will take time to think about nothing but me and how much I love you and how happy you made me.'

'God, Sam, I love you so much. I don't think you realize I'm going to think about you all the time. You're my life Sam.'

'I know Jack. And you are mine. I just want to know that, if something makes you think about me, remember the good things and don't dwell. Nothing could have changed what happened and it's certainly not your fault. Don't spend the rest of your life miserable because of me.'

'Easier said than done. But I'll try. And I'll take your Indian to the most special places.'

She had smiled brightly, weakly lifting a hand to the side of his neck and pulling him to her until their lips were touching and he was slowly and deeply kissing her, knowing it would be the last time they kissed this deeply and this lovingly. He had pulled back and rested his forehead against hers. Her eyes had been closed but tears had wet her cheeks. One of his thumbs had wiped away the wet trails and she had opened her eyes, looking up at him.

'You're staying with me, right?'

The vulnerability and fear in her voice had broken his heart. She had always been so strong about this and had rarely shed a tear. Certainly he had held her more than once at night as she thought about her approaching death but it had only been in the worst moments, when the pain became too much or when the stress weighted down too heavily on her shoulders that she had cried, that the tears, the fear and the pain had been too strong and had slipped out of her beautiful eyes.

His second hand had moved to her face, cupping her cheeks.

'Of course I'm staying, Sam. I'm never leaving you.' He saw another veil of fear cross her eyes as she understood what 'never' meant.

'Promise?'

'Promise. Nothing can make me leave you.'

'Thank you.' He had wanted to say that everything would be alright. But they had both known it was a lie and that it wouldn't be alright. He had known they would only frighten her more so he had kissed each of her cheeks once.

'Jack?'

'Yeah?'

'Don't push back.'

At first he had frowned. And then he had understood what she meant. His throat had constricted and tears had slipped down his own cheeks. He had dropped his head to her shoulder, his arms carefully slipping around her back so he could hold her close as he sobbed into the uggly infirmary gown. He had felt one of her hands on his back, the other in his hair, her nails gently scrathing his scalp the way she knew he loved. He had repeatedly kissed her collarbone through the thin fabric until he had managed to control his pain and had looked back up into her eyes, kissing her lips softly.

'How can you be so strong, Sam?'

'You make me so strong. I know that you love me and I know that with you I've been happier than any woman alive. That's all I need.'

'I love you.' He had kissed her lips. 'I love you.' Again. 'I love you.'

He had repeated the mantra and the rhythm for a while, wishing he could do that until she left him. But after a while, he had pressed his forehead back against hers.

'I love you too, Jack. More than you could ever imagine. I love you. Never forget that.' She had kissed his lips one last time and he had known she was ready. 'Now get Janet.'

'Sam? You will always be the only one who could make me this happy. And you will always be the love of my life.' Tears had welled up in her eyes again and he had kissed her forehead, gently pushing a few strands of hair back from her face. 'You okay?'

'Yeah.' The word had been choked up but he had understood and he had kissed her forehead and lips again before standing up. 'I'll be right back. Remember, I'm not leaving you.'

And he had come back, Frasier following close by, tears of her own on her cheeks. She had been holding a syringe but as she approached Sam's bed, she had set it down on the nearby tray and had rested her forehead against Sam's while Jack held his wife's hand tightly.

'You are the best friend I've ever had Sam. I'm going to miss you so much.' Sam had smiled.

'You are the best friend I've ever had too. I didn't think I would ever find as good a friend as you. Thank you for making this easier for me.'

'I'd like to say I was just doing my job, but I wasn't. All you have to know Sam, is that you are probably one of the most loved people in this world and that there are a lot of people who are going to feel very depressed that you're gone.'

'I know. I'm the luckiest woman on Earth.' At that she had squeezed Jack's hand gently.

'You are.'

She had closed her eyes briefly and taken in a deep breath. She had pressed a long kiss on Sam's forehead, her lips remaining pressed against her friend's skin. And then she had stood up straight again, squaring her shoulders and breathing in deeply several times to prepare herself.

'Are you ready?'

She had looked at both of them as she had asked and Jack couldn't help but think it showed how thoughtful and perfect the doctor was. They had shared a look and nodded. She had taken hold of the syringe and had gone through the procedure with her usual professionalism though tears had been filling up her eyes and Jack had wondered how she could see. After she had pushed the drug into Sam's veins, she had left, allowing Jack to have time alone with his wife in her last waking moments.

That had been sixteen days earlier. Eleven days later, Sam had had to be intubated and he had not been able to kiss her lips since, only watch helplessly and uselessly, despair and pain constricting his heart, as his beautiful wife wasted away, her body giving up completely. Multiple organ failure in its nastiest form. Since the beginning they had been able to fight the symptoms but not the cause and the end had come. Squeezing her hand one last time and kissing her forehead again, he pushed back to his feet, walking to the door on wobbly legs. He hadn't eaten well since that fateful moment sixteen days ago, only had done so when someone brought food in and ordered him to eat.

Again, he found Janet and she and a nurse walked with him to Sam's room. The two women stood by the machines as Jack leaned down to kiss her forehead again.

'I love you, Sam.' He whispered against her skin.

He turned to the doctor and nodding, his warm and shaking hand holding Sam's cold and lifeless one tightly. He nodded once and Janet had pushed a red button. The silence that followed in the room was deafening. All machines stopped and the beeping that had been filling their lives lately stopped.

And as her last heartbeat appeared on the small screen he squeezed his dead and beloved wife's hand.


End file.
